Ana's Confession 1

clenched and tight
ready to explode
tumbling and falling
caving in –implode
her mistake
her freedom depleting
save her : find me
her skin is crawling

each fiber
of which was me
just a figment
a mere memory
her ach
this moment fleeting
save her : find me
clawing at her pigment

waiting to be losing
a girl alone
transparent and frail
disappearing prone
she will not wake
save her : find me
she’s growing so pale

consumed by ignorance
invitingly undone
diving into vanity
her trigger my gun
her life i’ll take
my control defeating
save her : find me
she’s swimming into insanity

Oh God I'm Hurting Him

Oh god I’m hurting him.
Saying it doesn’t make it hurt less,
Doesn’t make it more okay.

Each lift of the corners of my mouth
or of his
is just another movement into our lie
-into my lie.

This feeling?
Its label I’m unsure of
Its source just as much a mystery

I know I’m hurting him
But I won’t stop
Can’t give him - or this up
It’s cruel

But then again he stays
He lets me hurt him
So am I the only one to blame
This misery

Is it possible I can find in him a place to place my blame?
To lighten the burden that I am hurting
This man I say I love?

Scared

I'm having doubts
the sting of tears
of hunger pains
do i really want this
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
i want to be thin oh god how badly i do
but i know the risk
i know the harm
is it worth it
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
craving needing wanting
that deliciously baked
drippingly sweet flaky pastry
no
no
NO
no
no
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
shit
i was weak and let it pass my lips
now i'll fall
fall
fall
and be so angry with myself for the rest of the night
just because i didn't want this
but now i'm not so sure
it would be so easy to just start eating again
to pretend that i don't care about the muffin top
about the missing gap
but simultaneously i'll be hating myself
for not being able to stick with it
can i do this
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
i'm faltering
i only know one truth anymore
i want to be thin
i'll give anything to be thin
to feel beautiful
am i ready to do whatever it takes?
yes...



maybe...




i don't know...

Maybe

Maybe just maybe

It’s worth it

The pain

The tears

The uncertainty

All worth

That one moment

That one second

Of bliss

Of joy

Of pleasure

You make me go

Higher

And higher

And higher

Only to stab the sun

Making me

Fall

Fall

Fall

Bam

I collapse onto the grown

Broken

Waiting…

For you to want me whole again

Using words

And your smile

To lift me up once more

To let me crash and burn