Scared

I'm having doubts
the sting of tears
of hunger pains
do i really want this
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
i want to be thin oh god how badly i do
but i know the risk
i know the harm
is it worth it
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
craving needing wanting
that deliciously baked
drippingly sweet flaky pastry
no
no
NO
no
no
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
shit
i was weak and let it pass my lips
now i'll fall
fall
fall
and be so angry with myself for the rest of the night
just because i didn't want this
but now i'm not so sure
it would be so easy to just start eating again
to pretend that i don't care about the muffin top
about the missing gap
but simultaneously i'll be hating myself
for not being able to stick with it
can i do this
yes...
maybe...
i don't know...
i'm faltering
i only know one truth anymore
i want to be thin
i'll give anything to be thin
to feel beautiful
am i ready to do whatever it takes?
yes...



maybe...




i don't know...

Maybe

Maybe just maybe

It’s worth it

The pain

The tears

The uncertainty

All worth

That one moment

That one second

Of bliss

Of joy

Of pleasure

You make me go

Higher

And higher

And higher

Only to stab the sun

Making me

Fall

Fall

Fall

Bam

I collapse onto the grown

Broken

Waiting…

For you to want me whole again

Using words

And your smile

To lift me up once more

To let me crash and burn